Archive for April, 2013


Accident or design

No roots to hold as the questions are asked
A life in tact but far from grounded
Has that been by accident or by design
The premiss on which this existence is founded
Alone once more in a crowded room
Surrounded in body but the spirit has flown
Away for a time to that place within
Wondering if this is truly home
Never before has there been a means
To swallow the fear and growing unease
Let wings spread and wind gather speed
Never forget but possibly leave
The anchors are few but oh so important
Holding safe what only they could see
The waters may change and distance grow
But as I was held I will hold them to me
A choice to make of seed to plant
Let solid roots spread in place of doubt
Or turn and fly in the face of the wind
Kick and scream to life cry out

 

Somethings may change

 

What a month……

 

It occurred to me today that I had been neglecting this blog over the last few weeks. Not just that but I haven’t been reading half as much as I would have liked either. My usual response would be to write a poem or 2 and get everything off my chest but leave the interpretation open and up to the reader. Not this time, there is simply way too much going on in my head at the moment and I figure I will just ramble on for a bit and tell anyone with the patience to read through it what has been going on.

It’s been a strange old month and my god has a lot happened. There have been up’s, down’s, twist’s, turn’s, crashes and take off’s. Fuck up’s, successes, tears and laughter. Joy, sorrow, birth and in some ways death. Through it all I will confess to a major amount of self-reflection. So within this little tale I have decided to tell (and in some cases show you) a little more about me. Why? I am not really sure, but hey am doing it now so what the hell…….

I am really struggling to find a natural starting point because it all seems to have happened at once. So lets start on a high, the birth. One of my little sisters (not actually related not that it matters) gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She is only the second baby I have ever been handed, she is tiny and absolutely perfect. The look of pride and joy on the faces of mum and dad is enough to convince even the most cynical of people that there is good in this world!

The death’s (yeah lets crash that high straight away). I have mentioned in previous posts what I do for a living and that I understand it is far from the most popular of occupations, if fact I think parking inspectors and tax collectors maybe more popular! Still, having been with the company for over 9 years I have now been through this situation twice and it I can promise you is never fun! Redundancies and not on a small-scale. Just this past week over 3000 were announced and while safe myself (still not sure I am not disappointed by that) I do know a lot of people who have been “put at risk”. I still have my fingers crossed for them and am amazed how positive and upbeat they all are.

To continue with the jerky swings from high to low, I have (again in the last week) been granted some major good fortune and for want of a better description left speechless (much to the amusement of those around me at the time) by the generosity of a loved one still sadly missed. The upshot hopefully soon to be a place of my own and with it a new corner sofa (I do love a corner sofa).

So where is the self-reflection? I hear you ask. All the way through everything (and trust me the above is not all that has happened). I didn’t realize how much things had been changing and to what extent they had effected me until asked what might seem to be a completely unimportant question “whats with the jacket?”. Ahhhh my jacket, my favorite possession, the greatest present I was ever bought and something that has (quite rightly) been described as my comfort blanket. Now 16 years old, it’s a big, heavy (over 5kg), great quality, black leather jacket. From the day it was bought when I was 15 it was too big for me and if being honest it probably still is. But I don’t care, not even a little. Sadly I had stopped wearing it on a regular basis and it started only to make appearances when I needed a confidence boost or maybe just a reminder of who I am. Yeah this jacket does that (weird I know). So when I turned up in it my friends (those that have known me a while) got a little worried. But for a change I don’t think they need to be. Rather than using this jacket to hide, I think I am simply remembering who I am. You see I had for a while dumbed down the me, turned down the volume and maybe hidden a little.  I did this for various reasons relationships, work and insecurity being just 3. Again the jacket is important as a big reason why it wasn’t worn is that consecutive ex’s (with 1 exception) have hated it and so it wasn’t worn. Well fuck that for a shit game of tennis! It will be the last time I even consider not wearing something simply due to the opinion of one person! I am a guy that is as comfortable in a suit or jeans as I am in a kilt or sarong (seriously David Beckham aint got shit on me)  and will wear what I like when I like. But yes in short I have changed a little over the last month or maybe regressed and it all came with realization (well more a reaffirmation)

I was at a counting crows gig last night with 3 of the most important people in my life. It was amazing and the fact I was there with the just made it better! Now I saw the crows in 2002 in very different circumstances and none of the people with me last night were there (the jacket was though). In fact I no longer see or speak to any of the people at the first gig. I should say I did know 2 of the 3 people from last night at the time of the first gig. But ,last night, as the songs played out and the memories were made I understood better than ever that somethings will never change, I will always hold that night and what it means in my heart. Nothing can change or touch that! Jobs may change, children will be born, relationships will come and go, loved ones will pass away and time will march slowly on. So long as you are true to yourself and who you are then life will change with you. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people I know will always be there for me and in return I hope they know the reverse will always be true. So whatever maybe coming be it good bad or indifferent let it come……..

Now I said I would show you a bit of me too, so as a congratulations for getting through this post, here is a few pictures of me over the years, yeah sarong included (I know I know this could also be classed as a punishment)

 

Changing faces

 

Uniquely You

 

 

Between then and now you changed
Lost what made you uniquely you
Little worries and cares that seemed so big
Now seem ignored and ever so few

Those words that now echo
Form a part of my sight
Never far from my vision
Thought from which I can’t hide

A character assassination
Heard in a dream so said by me
 Everything I am questioned
Who I am now from what I have been

From where this came I cannot say
In waking life it’s not how I feel
Though that being said it was all in my mind
So now I can’t see which one is real

 

 

Reserved

One final day a proper goodbye
From nights sweet end we both did rise
I saw you then as I always did
The greatest gift that life could give
A day together no talk of the next
Remembering us remembering this
Sat on a hill just watching you stand
Knowing that soon you’d let go of my hand
Your hair flowing in the stream of the wind
The smile on you face that made my heart sing
A sweeter love I have never known
The pain exquisite though never shown
In the last I refused to believe
This was the end or our memories
Reserved now as then, forever for you
A small piece of my heart will always be true

A Quiet Few

It’s only a quiet few
Not a big night
Then they start to flow
And it just feels right

Just one more round
Then we’ll call time
Why go now
That would be a crime

Beer turns to Jack
There’s no going home
No sun in the Sky
We’re all set to roam

Last orders the shout
The pub winds down
Next stop Binkies
That 3am crowd

The hours fly by
So do the shots
Back to the flat
If we don’t get lost

Drinking till 5
The cupboard now bare
The long walk home
In the cool morning air

Coffee and bacon
The only cure
For a night on the town
Bed now a lure