It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, he really should have known better (yes he is now speaking like a twat in the third person). Little could he have known that by joking of the end of the world he would wake the next day and find it on his doorstep………………


Empty streets, deserted shops, half eaten pigeons in the road and the strange feeling of being watched by unseen but evil eyes (like going through immigration at the airport). What else could this be but the end of the world in a Zombie apocalypse or possibly a spice girls reunion gig.

At first there was fear, how will I survive without new episodes of how I met you mother, how long will the  frozen Chicago town pizzas in the shops remain frozen, if there are no butchers will I have to become that most dreaded of things the vegetarian, the next time I visit my friends will they think I am dinner. All of these things flying through his head at once almost drove him more insane.

But then inspiration (like an alcoholics moment of clarity but without the booze). What if, with everyone else dead and rotting or now in slightly (only slightly) less intelligent zombie forms of themselves, he could find a way to become the zombie king. A crossbreed zombie human. All the power, dogged determination and strength of a zombie coupled with the intelligence (limited but in comparison still genius), dietary habits and hygiene of a normal human. While far from ideal surely it’s gotta be better than dead or a complete zombie??

I could take over Edinburgh castle (otherwise known as my summer-house) and train the other Zombies to do my bidding. You know the usual kind of thing bring me stuff, run a bath (now and then), keep the place clean etc etc etc.  If they found other human survivors, in a kick back to Roman times, after deciding if I liked the survivors or not (zombie king remember by planet my rules) I would stage gladiatorial games. The winner to be allowed live (unless their wounds were to severe) and the loser the zombies can have. Sort of a survival of the fittest with added teeth!

This zombie apocalypse was starting to look pretty good……… bar not knowing how to become a crossbred zombie king, everyone being dead and the realization that I would never again see Liverpool win the league (was years off anyway) and yes in that order (just).

The only thing that remained was to test my theory and go outside to see if the world truly had ended! Problem with that being if it hadn’t I would have had to go to work. So in the grand old tradition of “why do today what you can put off because of a zombie apocalypse” I have yet to leave my room. Fear not I have a few weapons here should the zombies come for me and I also have a good amount of food. So if anyone reading this (no zombies please) has information that would suggest that the world has not ended that would be great. The longer this goes on the more likely it is that my work will be pretty PISSED OFF…………………………………